We went into the Dark Woods and I almost had to get gay fairy married again and now I feel really bad and Ryan got bad-touched by trees and Fairy King Dimitri was cryptic and annoying and apparently has a size kink.

Another fairy flew up, carrying a spear and wearing a helmet and not much else. I thought about asking why he had armor on his head and not his balls, but I didn’t think that was proper etiquette while being held prisoner by the Dark Woods fairies.

Can you sign something?” Nicole demanded. “This paper? This napkin? My chest? My inner thighs or my wildest dreams? Whatever you want.

I glanced back at my merry little band of travelers. A hornless gay unicorn. A half-giant. A knight who was a jerk but that I wanted to have for breakfast.

So, funny story. There are fairies? In the Dark Woods. And I might have pissed off their king.”There was silence. Then, “Of course you did.

Hi, my name is Ryan Foxheart. Oh no! There’s danger afoot! Let me pull out my sword and pose.” I mimed pulling a sword from my side and cocked an eyebrow. “Notice how dashing I am. And immaculate. And today, my hair is parted on the right. Wink.

Gary’s eyes narrowed. “I’m pretty sure I don’t like you.”“My world is crumbling,” Ryan said. I might have laughed. Because sass.

He grinned at me again, and the butterflies in my stomach turned into dragons and laid waste to my innards.

Ryan said, “What the hell? Does everything want to have sex with you?