You went full-on bitchy and made a dramatic exit?” He sounded way too gleeful over my histrionics. “I have taught you well, my young apprentice.

AND HE was just so amazing,” I said as I braided Gary’s hair. “Like so selfless and awesome and he smelled like leaves and I think his eyebrows should be declared a treasure of the Kingdom.

Okay, time in. I can yell at whoever I want!”“You really can’t,” Gary said. “It’s unattractive on you. Some people pull off the angry look. You’re not one of them.

He has wet dreams and moans dirty things about chest hair.”“That was one time.” Okay, more like six times.

It’ll be the Date to End All Dates,” I told Gary as he nosed his way through my closet. “And yes, before you ask, it is capitalized just like it sounds. Great plans should always be capitalized.

Gary, why Sam sweating?”“Well you see, my dear Tiggy. When a boy loves another boy very much, it makes him awkward and have feelings in his penis and mmmphh!”“Sam, why you use magic and glue Gary’s mouth shut?”“Is that what that was? Gosh! I just thought I was singing to myself!”“MMMMPH!

Sam said he doesn’t have time for a boyfriend, much less Knight Delicious Face.”“Remind me why you call him that?” Pete asked.“Uh, pretty simple, Pete,” I said. “He’s a knight. And his face is delicious.

Sam’s just dealing with some issues. He recently came to the realization that he’s a twenty-year-old virgin prude.

Hey, Sam. Want to join me in the river? We can bathe before the sun sets and it gets too cold.”“Sweet molasses.”“What?”“Stay back, foul temptress!”“What?”“Er. Not you. Uh. I… sensed the presence of a succubus. Like, near here. Ooooh. So very near.”“You can do that?”“Yes. Yes I can. Because I have magic. And my succubus-tracking abilities. It’s a thing. A realthing. That I do all the time.”“Riiiight. Your magical succubus-tracking abilities.”“Shut up, Gary!