Hi, my name is Ryan Foxheart. Oh no! There’s danger afoot! Let me pull out my sword and pose.” I mimed pulling a sword from my side and cocked an eyebrow. “Notice how dashing I am. And immaculate. And today, my hair is parted on the right. Wink.

I squawked attractively. Okay. That was a lie. There is no way to squawk attractively. It was rather unattractive. Arms flailing, legs kicking. It was just awful.

Pfft,” I scoffed. “Feelings. I don’t have feelings.” I had so many feelings. None of them were good.

Gary’s eyes narrowed. “I’m pretty sure I don’t like you.”“My world is crumbling,” Ryan said. I might have laughed. Because sass.

He grinned at me again, and the butterflies in my stomach turned into dragons and laid waste to my innards.

Muscles. (Not that I could see them under the knight’s armor, but I had a very vivid imagination and I was not ashamed to use it.)

Mom said, “He didn’t want to sleep with you so he knocked you through a building? That’s rude. He could have just moved on.

I just like looking at nice things. And want to touch them with my mouth.

Today has been so weird,” I side-whispered to Gary. “I think the word you’re looking for is erotic,” he said back. “Today has been so erotic.