But then they threatened Ryan with death and I was, like, bitch, please. You don’t know who you’re messing with.

Maybe you can bring that up at the next fan club meeting too.”“Hey! I don’t even know what you’re talking about, okay? I hear things when I’m on my travels. I don’t even care about stuff like that.” I cared so hard. I had actually gone three times to the fan club meeting. They knew me as Mervin. I had a backstory and everything. It was my turn to bring muffins next time. I was considering poppy seed. Or cranberry. Fun.

Okay, time in. I can yell at whoever I want!”“You really can’t,” Gary said. “It’s unattractive on you. Some people pull off the angry look. You’re not one of them.

He has wet dreams and moans dirty things about chest hair.”“That was one time.” Okay, more like six times.

It’ll be the Date to End All Dates,” I told Gary as he nosed his way through my closet. “And yes, before you ask, it is capitalized just like it sounds. Great plans should always be capitalized.

I thought I was mad, but I also thought I was really turned-on.

You told him, huh? Through your secret wizarding network that you still haven’t told me about.”“It’s called a letter in the mail,” he said.

You okay, Sam?”“Ha-ha, why wouldn’t I be? Everything is peachy! I’m okay. I’m better than okay.”“Okay. I only ask because you haven’t stopped staring at me for the last four hours.”“You lie with all your lies!

I like your shoes,” I said. Because I did. They were pink and pointed, and I wanted a pair like that so bad. My mom and dad groaned. Morgan looked at me and cocked his head.“Thank you, little one. I made them out of the tears of a succubus and a lightning-struck tree stump I found under the Winter Moon. I like your face.”I grinned. “Thank you, big one. My parents made it when they got married. I was a honeymoon baby, whatever that means.