Gary, why Sam sweating?”“Well you see, my dear Tiggy. When a boy loves another boy very much, it makes him awkward and have feelings in his penis and mmmphh!”“Sam, why you use magic and glue Gary’s mouth shut?”“Is that what that was? Gosh! I just thought I was singing to myself!”“MMMMPH!

Gary snorted. When he did, little pink and purple sparkles shot out his nose. Being a unicorn is awesome like that.

Sam never gonna find a boyfriend,” Tiggy said. “No one gonna take his flower.”“Don’t talk about my flower!

I didn’t want to go to my room. I wanted to go see Gary and bitch and moan and braid his mane and have him tell me that Justin was a giant cockfucker and I was so much prettier than him.

Sam said he doesn’t have time for a boyfriend, much less Knight Delicious Face.”“Remind me why you call him that?” Pete asked.“Uh, pretty simple, Pete,” I said. “He’s a knight. And his face is delicious.

Sam’s just dealing with some issues. He recently came to the realization that he’s a twenty-year-old virgin prude.

I couldn’t even begin to guess how old he was. Maybe thirty. Or three hundred. When you’re eleven, anyone older is just old.

Hey, Sam. Want to join me in the river? We can bathe before the sun sets and it gets too cold.”“Sweet molasses.”“What?”“Stay back, foul temptress!”“What?”“Er. Not you. Uh. I… sensed the presence of a succubus. Like, near here. Ooooh. So very near.”“You can do that?”“Yes. Yes I can. Because I have magic. And my succubus-tracking abilities. It’s a thing. A realthing. That I do all the time.”“Riiiight. Your magical succubus-tracking abilities.”“Shut up, Gary!

Gary laughed. “Yeah, but then people meet you and you’re all skinny and adorable, and they’re all like whaaaa?