Foreign relations is an open book-- generally a checkbook.

A politician is just like a pickpocket; it's almost impossible to get him to reform.

It is awful hard to get people interested in corruption unless they can get some of it.

There is a hundred things to single you out for promotion in party politics besides ability.

We elect our Presidents, be they Republican or Democrat, then start daring 'em to make good.

They are each good when they are out, and each bad when they are in.

And the thing about my jokes is, they don't hurt anybody. You can take 'em or leave 'em - you can say they're funny or they're terrible or they're good, or whatever, but you can just pass 'em by. But with Congress, every time they make a joke, it's a law! And every time they make a law, it's a joke!

You've got to be (an) optimist to be a Democrat, and you've got to be a humorist to stay one

Democrats never agree on anything, that's why they're Democrats. If they agreed with each other, they would be Republicans.