George Bernard Shaw of England stopped over just long enough to make one speech in Bombay, India, started a war and 100 Indians killed each other. That's what I call good speech-making. The only enthusiasm any of our speakers can rouse is a demand to kill the speaker.

What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't nothing but one word wrong with everyone of us, and that's selfishness.

Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want to impress people they don't like.

Don't invite me if you don't want me.

Every man gets an opportunity once in a lifetime.

A successful outcome shows what hard work, perseverance and taking advantage of your opportunities will do for you.

I have often said in answer to inquiries as to how I got away with kidding some of our public men, that it was because I liked all of them personally, and that if there was no malice in your heart there could be none in your "Gags", and I have always said I never met a man I dident like.

I am proud of the fact there is not a human being that I have got it in for. I never met a man I didn't like.

The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.