I wish I could think of a positive point to leave you with. Will you take two negative points?

I don't believe in an afterlife, but I'm taking an extra pair of underwear just in case.

I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind -- a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

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All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.

As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions.