640 Quotes About Babies

We are all born rude. No infant has ever appeared yet with the grace to understand how inconsiderate it is to disturb others in the middle of the night.

As my father talked, tears dripped down the side of his face like candle wax. The sight shocked me; until that moment, I had assumed men were as incapable of crying as they were of having babies.

The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.

Calvin: Dad where do babies come from?Dad: Well Calvin, you simply go to Sears, buy the kit and follow the assembly instructions.Calvin: I came from Sears?Dad: No you were a blue-light special at K-Mart - almost as good and a lot cheaper!

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

Babies are such a nice way to start people.

It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumb shit. He knows how it works.

I've never really understood the desire people have to quantify a baby. "He's X big and Y long," As if the baby is a fish you're not sure you're going to keep. Or some prize potato you're hoping will win a prize at the county fair.

Shoulda gone to China. They give away babies like free iPods. They put them in guns and shoot them out at sporting events.