1,680 Quotes About Comedy

I've been married for a long time and there are days when I still wonder, 'Excuse me, but who is this man?

[T]he definition of 'crazy' in show business is a woman who keeps talking even after no one wants to fuck her anymore.

Laughter is the cure for broken relationships.

I’d say the winner of this debate is the God of Death, who’s now several minutes closer to claiming all of us.

I will count my blessings when I am in the doldrums, count to ten when I am quarrelsome, and count on my friends when I need a laugh.

...Whenever someone says to me, 'Jerry Lewis says women aren't funny,' or 'Christopher Hitchens says women aren't funny,' or 'Rick Fenderman says women aren't funny... Do you have anything to say to that?'Yes. We don't fucking care if you like it.I don't say it out loud, of course, because Jerry Lewis is a great philanthropist, Hitchens is very sick, and the third guy I made up.

Heaven makes you family, but a new generation of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors can make you friends.

You know what the most profound lesson I learned in 33 years was? Just talk to every single person like they're either your sister or your brother and that incest is not illegal and you can succeed in any social relationship.

You can't change your past. The only thing you can change is your PERSPECTIVE of your past.