[{"data":1,"prerenderedAt":-1},["ShallowReactive",2],{"$fuiNitI3m64ZgCChKLUFiKQ0mDS8tOGapJcJxXrCpuls":3,"$flPclvaGsIw8a5qEdRK07S0kFRAkeVJN1WYPAxFkdg4U":16},{"author":4,"tags":11},{"author_id":5,"author_name":6,"author_name_first_letter":7,"article_count":8,"bio":9,"short_bio":9,"slug":10,"image_url":9},9691,"Harriet Lerner","H",173,null,"harriet-lerner",[12],{"tag_id":13,"tag_name":14,"tag_count":15},975,"communication",5,{"quotes":17,"pagination":81},[18,26,33,39,45,51,57,63,69,75],{"id":19,"quote_text":20,"author_id":5,"source_id":21,"has_image":22,"author":23,"source":24,"quote_tag":25,"commentary":9},3067567,"Venting anger may serve to maintain, and even rigidify, the old rules and patterns in a relationship, thus ensuring that change does not occur.",6,false,{"id":5,"author_name":6,"slug":10,"author_name_first_letter":7,"article_count":8,"image_url":9},{},[],{"id":27,"quote_text":28,"author_id":5,"source_id":21,"has_image":22,"author":29,"source":30,"quote_tag":31,"commentary":32},3067566,"I feel calmed and relieved when my husband knocks at my study door in the middle of a fight, puts his arms around me, and says, “I love you. This is stupid. Let’s just drop it.” Like two kids in the sandbox, we’re suddenly light and playful again.",{"id":5,"author_name":6,"slug":10,"author_name_first_letter":7,"article_count":8,"image_url":9},{},[],"**The Backstory**\nThis poignant passage is an excerpt from Harriet Lerner's book \"The Dance of Anger,\" first published in 1985. At that time, Lerner was a family therapist and writer who had been observing the patterns of anger and conflict in her own marriage as well as those of her clients. Her experiences during this period were marked by the challenges of maintaining a career while navigating the complexities of personal relationships.\n\n**The Hidden Insight**\nWhat lies beneath Lerner's seemingly simplistic solution to marital conflicts is a profound understanding of the interplay between vulnerability, intimacy, and emotional regulation. By acknowledging the futility of \"winning\" an argument and instead focusing on re-establishing emotional connection, Lerner reveals that true conflict resolution often involves surrendering one's need for control and embracing shared vulnerability.\n\n**How to Use This**\nIn today's high-stakes professional environments, where conflicts often escalate into power struggles, this mindset can be applied by acknowledging the futility of \"winning\" an argument and instead seeking to re-establish emotional connection with colleagues or partners. By practicing a willingness to surrender one's need for control and embracing shared vulnerability, individuals can diffuse tense situations and foster more collaborative problem-solving.",{"id":34,"quote_text":35,"author_id":5,"source_id":21,"has_image":22,"author":36,"source":37,"quote_tag":38,"commentary":9},3067565,"Getting older brings the comforting knowledge that the things we consider most shameful and weird about ourselves are actually pretty universal – or if not, that other folks have their own shameful and weird stuff. This growing realization that we’re not so unique makes it easier to share who we really are and how we got there.",{"id":5,"author_name":6,"slug":10,"author_name_first_letter":7,"article_count":8,"image_url":9},{},[],{"id":40,"quote_text":41,"author_id":5,"source_id":21,"has_image":22,"author":42,"source":43,"quote_tag":44,"commentary":9},3067564,"Sometimes, the failure of the other person to apologize when they should hits us harder than the deed they should apologize for.",{"id":5,"author_name":6,"slug":10,"author_name_first_letter":7,"article_count":8,"image_url":9},{},[],{"id":46,"quote_text":47,"author_id":5,"source_id":21,"has_image":22,"author":48,"source":49,"quote_tag":50,"commentary":9},3067563,"The healing power of a good apology is also immediately recognizable. When someone offers me a genuine apology, I feel relieved and soothed. Whatever anger and resentment I may still be harboring melts away. I also feel better when I offer an apology I know is due. I’m enormously grateful that I can repair the disconnection after having made a mistake or acted badly.",{"id":5,"author_name":6,"slug":10,"author_name_first_letter":7,"article_count":8,"image_url":9},{},[],{"id":52,"quote_text":53,"author_id":5,"source_id":21,"has_image":22,"author":54,"source":55,"quote_tag":56,"commentary":9},3067560,"When a woman loses her resolve to speak up and stand firmly behind her position, she may be vulnerable to depression, anxiety, headaches, chronic anger, and bitterness.",{"id":5,"author_name":6,"slug":10,"author_name_first_letter":7,"article_count":8,"image_url":9},{},[],{"id":58,"quote_text":59,"author_id":5,"source_id":21,"has_image":22,"author":60,"source":61,"quote_tag":62,"commentary":9},3067557,"Letting go of anger and hate requires us to give up the hope for a different past, along with the hope of a fantasized future. What we gain is a life more in the present, where we are not mired in prolonged anger and resentment that doesn’t serve us.",{"id":5,"author_name":6,"slug":10,"author_name_first_letter":7,"article_count":8,"image_url":9},{},[],{"id":64,"quote_text":65,"author_id":5,"source_id":21,"has_image":22,"author":66,"source":67,"quote_tag":68,"commentary":9},3067555,"Surely human consciousness would take a big leap forward if our wish to hear and understand were as great as our wish to be heard and understood.",{"id":5,"author_name":6,"slug":10,"author_name_first_letter":7,"article_count":8,"image_url":9},{},[],{"id":70,"quote_text":71,"author_id":5,"source_id":21,"has_image":22,"author":72,"source":73,"quote_tag":74,"commentary":9},3067553,"Likewise, the other person has a right to know us accurately, to consider the relationship and make plans for the future based on facts, not fantasies or projections.",{"id":5,"author_name":6,"slug":10,"author_name_first_letter":7,"article_count":8,"image_url":9},{},[],{"id":76,"quote_text":77,"author_id":5,"source_id":21,"has_image":22,"author":78,"source":79,"quote_tag":80,"commentary":9},3067552,"We can influence the other person through our words and silence, but we can never control the outcome.",{"id":5,"author_name":6,"slug":10,"author_name_first_letter":7,"article_count":8,"image_url":9},{},[],{"currentPage":82,"totalPages":83,"totalItems":8,"itemsPerPage":84},1,18,10]