[{"data":1,"prerenderedAt":-1},["ShallowReactive",2],{"$fipUjqeE9LdlxxVvOJxLCJpo1sFGG4ry1QOczCX4-0wU":3,"$fnC0qrYjibu1xcx_IujzqjUDzlWxjS0ZtVB_BOevkc4w":12},{"author":4,"tags":11},{"author_id":5,"author_name":6,"author_name_first_letter":7,"article_count":8,"bio":9,"short_bio":9,"slug":10,"image_url":9},25122,"Nic Sheff","N",41,null,"nic-sheff",[],{"quotes":13,"pagination":76},[14,22,28,34,40,46,52,58,64,70],{"id":15,"quote_text":16,"author_id":5,"source_id":17,"has_image":18,"author":19,"source":20,"quote_tag":21,"commentary":9},3312761,"And, for whatever reason, identifying the root cause of my problem – like fear of abandonment or something – didn’t change a goddamn thing. I could see quite clearly why I acted a certain way, but that wouldn’t make me any different. I sought out craziness. I was attracted to it. No therapy could take that away.",6,false,{"id":5,"author_name":6,"slug":10,"author_name_first_letter":7,"article_count":8,"image_url":9},{},[],{"id":23,"quote_text":24,"author_id":5,"source_id":17,"has_image":18,"author":25,"source":26,"quote_tag":27,"commentary":9},3312758,"Hey, man, helping you is how I stay alive. Never forget that.",{"id":5,"author_name":6,"slug":10,"author_name_first_letter":7,"article_count":8,"image_url":9},{},[],{"id":29,"quote_text":30,"author_id":5,"source_id":17,"has_image":18,"author":31,"source":32,"quote_tag":33,"commentary":9},3312753,"Now is now... There is nothing but now and I try to hold on to that. The past is gone, the future hasn’t happened yet. This, right here, is all there is.",{"id":5,"author_name":6,"slug":10,"author_name_first_letter":7,"article_count":8,"image_url":9},{},[],{"id":35,"quote_text":36,"author_id":5,"source_id":17,"has_image":18,"author":37,"source":38,"quote_tag":39,"commentary":9},3312748,"It’s like the world’s gravitational pull has just lessened tenfold. Everything trapped in me, rushing in and out like the ocean against a jetty – pounding over and over, trying to crush the breaker wall with each rhythmic explosion – has finally been taken away. I cry for that and I’m not sure what else.",{"id":5,"author_name":6,"slug":10,"author_name_first_letter":7,"article_count":8,"image_url":9},{},[],{"id":41,"quote_text":42,"author_id":5,"source_id":17,"has_image":18,"author":43,"source":44,"quote_tag":45,"commentary":9},3312745,"In a way it’s like too serene or whatever – too empty. I feel that familiar feeling of being a dark smudge on this otherwise pristine white canvas. There’s just no way to blend in out here.",{"id":5,"author_name":6,"slug":10,"author_name_first_letter":7,"article_count":8,"image_url":9},{},[],{"id":47,"quote_text":48,"author_id":5,"source_id":17,"has_image":18,"author":49,"source":50,"quote_tag":51,"commentary":9},3312740,"Still, children seem like empty vessels who pick up on everything and are so affected by their surroundings. I mean, that’s what they tell me in therapy and it seems to be true. Stuff I don’t consciously remember affects my behavior every day. I see that now.",{"id":5,"author_name":6,"slug":10,"author_name_first_letter":7,"article_count":8,"image_url":9},{},[],{"id":53,"quote_text":54,"author_id":5,"source_id":17,"has_image":18,"author":55,"source":56,"quote_tag":57,"commentary":9},3312738,"I felt like everyone else had gotten this instruction manual that explained life to them, but somehow I’d just missed it.",{"id":5,"author_name":6,"slug":10,"author_name_first_letter":7,"article_count":8,"image_url":9},{},[],{"id":59,"quote_text":60,"author_id":5,"source_id":17,"has_image":18,"author":61,"source":62,"quote_tag":63,"commentary":9},3312734,"There is this crazy fear I have of being rejected by anyone – even people I don’t really care about. It’s always better to leave them first, cut all ties, and disappear. They can’t hurt me that way – no one can.",{"id":5,"author_name":6,"slug":10,"author_name_first_letter":7,"article_count":8,"image_url":9},{},[],{"id":65,"quote_text":66,"author_id":5,"source_id":17,"has_image":18,"author":67,"source":68,"quote_tag":69,"commentary":9},3312731,"And though I have done many shameful things, I am not ashamed of who I am. I am not ashamed of who I am because I know who I am. I have tried to rip myself open and expose everything inside – accepting my weaknesses and strengths – not trying to be anyone else. ‘Cause that never works, does it? So my challenge is to be authentic.",{"id":5,"author_name":6,"slug":10,"author_name_first_letter":7,"article_count":8,"image_url":9},{},[],{"id":71,"quote_text":72,"author_id":5,"source_id":17,"has_image":18,"author":73,"source":74,"quote_tag":75,"commentary":9},3312729,"Again, fix the outsides and maybe my insides won’t be such a dark place.",{"id":5,"author_name":6,"slug":10,"author_name_first_letter":7,"article_count":8,"image_url":9},{},[],{"currentPage":77,"totalPages":78,"totalItems":8,"itemsPerPage":79},1,5,10]