1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

It's never just a game when you're winning.

You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.