712 Quotes by Jon Stewart

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American -- our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.