I've never been fucked by a spider lady.

4 months and I outlive Jesus!

It's always rewarding watching your homeboys get decapitated.

I've never been more excited to murder my wife.

You know what the most profound lesson I learned in 33 years was? Just talk to every single person like they're either your sister or your brother and that incest is not illegal and you can succeed in any social relationship.

Smile! You're on 'Candid Fuck-Off'!

Question: 'Do you have any trouble using fingers?' Answer: 'Yes, I wish I fingered more chicks.

I'm about to cock-punch that dog.

Why did I just try to roll up his asshole? That's not a strategy!