1,237 Quotes by Ambrose Bierce

STORY, n. A narrative, commonly untrue. The truth of the stories here following has, however, not been successfully impeached.

The most offensive egotist is he that fears to say "I" and "me." "It will probably rain " that is dogmatic. "I think it will rain" that is natural and modest. Montaigne is the most delightful of essayists because so great is his humility that he does not think it important that we see not Montaigne. He so forgets himself that he employs no artifice to make us forget him.

EXCEPTION, n. A thing which takes the liberty to differ from other things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc.

MISERICORDE, n. A dagger which in mediaeval warfare was used by the foot soldier to remind an unhorsed knight that he was mortal.

HUMORIST, n. A plague that would have softened down the hoar austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best wishes, cat-quick.

As a means of dispensing formulated ignorance our boasted public school system is not without merit; it spreads out education sufficiently thin to give everyone enough to make him a more competent fool than he would have been without it...

OATH, n. In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the conscience by a penalty for perjury.

Convictions are variable; to be always consistent is to be sometimes dishonest.

Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. Miss, Misses (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound and sense.