68 Quotes by Andrew Dice Clay

When you jerk off, you’re saying “Hey”, I care about me.

By the time kids are 15, they’re drunks and they’re drug addicts and they’re getting chicks pregnant. The parents wonder, “What did I do wrong?” What you did wrong was, you were never there. You had the kid as a status symbol, that’s what went wrong. And you’re paying the price for it.

Comics, a lot of them, are really depressed people, and I happen to be somebody that does have a lot of confidence. That’s the odd thing about my stand-up. I am very confident. I always was.

I might do cartoonish sexual jokes, but it’s my way of saying what’s going on in the world. How people are animals, really.

I never go see a comic. The only one I’d ever really want to see is Don Rickles. He might be 80 years old, but he blows everyone out of the water.

As long as you can walk the street and you know there’s a tomorrow, there’s always that chance. That’s how I’ve always been. I’ve always had complete belief that I would make something out of myself again, because to me, it’s always been about accomplishment.

I just love the whole art form of acting, of being in front of a camera and playing different things. Not that I would ever say I’m the greatest actor in the world, but I am capable of playing different kinds of roles that emotionally I could get into.

I’m not the greatest husband – I’ve got a girlfriend. It doesn’t really please my wife, but then if I was looking to please her I wouldn’t have a girlfriend. I mean she knows about it, and I guess she’s okay with it. Plus my kids like both of them.

I’ve been getting in trouble my whole life and I really don’t care what anybody thinks of what I do on stage as a comic.