83 Quotes by Andy Borowitz

The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.

The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.

Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.

Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.

As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.

Britney is one of our great comedians. She has been hilarious,

I wanted to get away from big, expensive network projects, ... so I moved to New York and I did nothing. And then I discovered the Internet. I didn't think of it as a moneymaker -- I wrote stuff I thought my friends would find funny.

After Sept. 11, I didn't write a piece for a couple of days because I thought people wouldn't want me to be funny. This time, it was so obvious what could be written, and I'll continue to write it. I can usually gauge reader response from the number of people who cancel on my e-mail list, and there's been no major withdrawal.

At the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said that the decision to pay recruits in gasoline, while unorthodox, was a 'slam-dunk solution' to the Army's nagging shortfalls in enlistment.