83 Quotes by Andy Borowitz

Think about it... The Republicans have gone from Abraham Lincoln to Sarah Palin to Donald Trump. No wonder they don't believe in evolution.

I am resigning effective immediately. Bo Derek will become the new vice president.

Get over yourselves with the coffee. You know, we all have it. It's like being famous for mustard or gum.

Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.

Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.

Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.

The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.

A race between Perry and Christie would test whether Americans would rather be executed or eaten.

If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them