83 Quotes by Andy Borowitz

Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew’s Birthday.

We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we’re still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.

Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue – he made Michele Bachmann for that.

Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress’s role.

Let’s not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he’s said in public.

Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let’s take a harder look at electricity and soap.

Let’s withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America – that’s the only way we’ll get new schools and roads.

Nine months earlier, when Olivia and I were exchanging wedding vows, we made absolutely no mention of shoving enemas up each other’s asses. And yet here we are. This is what it means to love and be loved.

As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don’t believe in evolution.