123 Quotes by Andy Kindler

You can't go wrong with pizza, unless it's terrible pizza.

I have so many strong opinions on the entertainment industry, but if I'm in a deli somewhere, and someone says they love that Adam Sandler movie where he dresses up as his twin sister - well, I don't want to make people feel bad for how they feel about things. I'm always courteous, not mean.

Why does Louis CK get named Comedy Person of the Year? I should be named Comedy Person of the Year just so I can parlay it into another few weeks of road work.

I'm not a confrontational person in real life, so I really don't wanna get into arguments or fistfights with people I'm making fun of.

I don't remember much about my bar mitzvah. The only thing I remember - I killed! That's what I remembered. Nobody could follow me at my bar-mitzvah. It was over when I was done.

Nobody gets excited when they see me. If I put on my wizard outfit and walk around the airport for a couple of hours, I get a couple of puzzled glances.

I was in Philadelphia - a very angry town, Philadelphia. I've never seen a town like this. It's supposed to be the City of Brotherly Love - like when my brother was 12 and I was nine, and he would lean on my shoulder and dangle spit in my face.

'Ambulatory' is my favorite word to use because it never gets a laugh.

I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please.' 'Yeah, I'd like the number of Macy's in Century City, California.' 'Did you say 'pretzel nuggets'?