286 Quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.

I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, "Just kidding." I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.