286 Quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.

My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else's.

I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.

Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.

Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.

I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.

Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.

Hitler really wasn't so bad. In the black way.

I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. So I was either talking for the sake of talking, or I was curled up with a book somewhere hiding from everyone.