24 Quotes by Arj Barker

I hate all generalisations.

I’m in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn’t even know I exist. And what’s worse, she can prove it.

I was high on life but eventually I built up a tolerance.

I’m thinking of switching banks, and my friend said, ‘Well, what’s wrong with Citibank?’ Well, they can’t spell ‘city.’ I hope their math is better than their English is.

A woman is a highly developed, deeply intelligent, infinitely complicated being. And it needs to be carefully tricked into doing things.

It’s gotten to the point where I think my friends would rather hang out with their own kids than hang out with me. And I’m like, “Alright, but where’s the loyalty, man. I’ve known you for twenty-five years. How long have you known your baby, like, a month?”

I’m trying to feel terrified and alone. And regret every decision I’ve ever made, drenched in a cold sweat. It’s called going to sleep. Maybe you’ve heard of it.

I fainted last night! Luckily I was going to bed at the time so I didn’t get hurt.

I’m not even worried about settling down. I think it’s way too early. I’m 25 and I’m in show business. I mean, if things go well, my wife hasn’t even been born yet.