235 Quotes by Bill Bailey

Live comedy's a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You're only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.

I spent money on a decent bike, a bit of kit for paddle boarding and I like bird watching so I bought a decent pair of binoculars but as far as bottles of Cristal champagne and Gucci loafers? No, blingy and showy stuff isn't me.

At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time. I got into a theatre company and started doing stand-up gigs for cash, so I lived hand-to-mouth, but there was always enough to pay the bills.

Work hard, save and live within your means.

This shed does not contain me.

I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.

I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!

A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.

Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all it's thermal and mechanical functions fail, thus rendering all human endeavors ultimately pointless. Just to put the gig in some sort of context.