163 Quotes by Bill Engvall

When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.

I have fun on stage, so people think maybe they should, too.

This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says "you like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." So he goes "Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said "did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left.

I haven't been really nervous about a gig in a long time.

Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass... but you just pushed my jackass button.

I like to hang on to cars. I'm not one of these guys that goes flipping cars all the time. If I find a car I like, I stick with it.

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

I love stand up, but every year, the road takes a little more out of you.

I love to laugh, and laughter is one of my favorite things. When you have a really good laugh, you feel great afterwards.