233 Quotes by Billy Connolly

If you want to lose a bit of weight, don't eat anything out of a bucket.

The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think.

[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here

Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.

It's my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.

People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!

Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, Did you fall? He said, No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.

I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.