233 Quotes by Billy Connolly

I can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.

I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it’s not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.

I’m not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.

I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience. There’s a fine line you have to tread because you don’t know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.

For me, it’s about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.

When you’re eating something and someone asks ‘Is that nice?’ No it’s really revolting – I always eat stuff I hate.

Even though everybody knows that when you light up a cigarette God takes an hour off your life and gives it to Keith Richards.

Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it’s on the outside of your ass?

Life is supposed to be fun. It’s not a job or occupation. We’re here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.