99 Quotes by Bob Mortimer

I played for Middlesbrough's youth team. At the age of 16, I went into a shed at the training ground and was told that they weren't signing me on, so that was the end of that dream. Football was my life. I played football when I got to school, football every break and football as soon as I got home.

I can't remember ever cooking food to impress a woman. The idea's quite cheesy and sort of makes my skin crawl. But I sometimes make a special effort to impress my cats, with chicken liver or something. It's tricky to know if a cat's impressed. They might give me a little look, a glimpse at least. That's cat ownership for you.

House of Fools,' that was the first thing I was sad that we couldn't do any more.

When I was young, having a heart bypass was, 'Woooh!'

I didn't think I had time for fishing before I fished.

After your heart fails, you just feel really vulnerable for a while. You just want telly and your little house. Then, suddenly, three, four months have passed.

Comedy, if it didn't save my life, certainly gave me a very different life.

After I had my heart operation I got really into heart stuff. I did think it would be lovely to go on 'Strictly' just so people could see I wasn't finished. But, sadly, now I couldn't because of my joints. I'd be hobbling around.

There's nothing better than just staring at a buttercup, struggling to make an impact on the world.