20 Quotes by Bruce Lansky

Parenting: Nobody really wants the job, but everybody thinks they can do better.

What I Found in My DeskA ripe peach with an ugly bruise,a pair of stinky tennis shoes,a day-old ham-and-cheese on rye,a swimsuit that I left to dry,a pencil that glows in the dark,some bubble gum found in the park,a paper bag with cookie crumbs,an old kazoo that barely hums,a spelling test I almost failed,a letter that I should have mailed,and one more thing, I must confess,a note from teacher: Clean This Mess!!!!

My Teacher Sees Right Through MeI didn’t do my homework.My teacher asked me, “Why?”I answered him, “It’s much too hard.”He said, “You didn’t try.” I told him, “My dog ate it.”He said, “You have no dog.”I said, “I went out running.”He said, “You never jog.” I told him, “I had chores to do.”He said, “You watched TV.”I said, “I saw the doctor.”He said, “You were with me.” My teacher sees right through my fibs,which makes me very sad.It’s hard to fool the teacherwhen the teacher is your dad.

Too BusyI've folded all my laundryand put it in the drawer.I've changed my linen, made my bed,and swept my bedroom floor. I've emptied out the garbageand fixed tomorrow's lunch.I've baked some cookies for dessertand given dad a munch.I've searched the house for pencilsand sharpened every one.There are so many things to dowhen homework must be done.

You always nag the one you love.

In Minnesota it’s so cold some nights you have to wear two condoms.

When your first baby drops her pacifier, you sterilize it. When your second baby drops her pacifier, you tell the dog: ‘Fetch!’

We learn so many things from golf: how to suffer, for instance.

I don’t think I’ll live long enough to shoot my age. I’m lucky to shoot my weight.