7 Quotes by C.D. Payne

  • Author C.D. Payne
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    As much as I think about sex, I can only with extreme difficulty conceive of myself actually performing the act. And here's another thing I wonder about. How could you ever look a girl in the eye after you've had your winkie up her wendell? I mean, doesn't that render normal social conversation impossible? Apparently not.

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  • Author C.D. Payne
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    Consider, if you will, the morning boner. What a metaphor of hope and renewal! How can anyone give way to despair when one’s groin greets each day with such a gala spectacle of physical optimism?

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  • Author C.D. Payne
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    I have found that people who can successfully resist temptation invariably lead depressingly stunted lives.

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  • Author C.D. Payne
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    Confession can be good for the soul, but it can exact a heavy toll on friendships.

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  • Author C.D. Payne
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    One of the tragic consequences of divorce is that the kids are legally obligated by the courts to spend a fixed amount of time with their dads. In normal families, dads and children happily ignore each other.

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  • Author C.D. Payne
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    Now I know why women get their ears pierced. Once they’ve survived this ordeal of mutilation, they can face the discomforts of childbirth with equanimity.

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  • Author C.D. Payne
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    Do you suppose the human race invented boredom to make the prospect of death more palatable?

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