752 Quotes by Conan O'Brien

The Republican Party had a big day in yesterday's midterm elections and now controls the House and Senate. And don't ask me how this happened, but the Republican Party also gained control of three seats in our show's band.

In the Year 2000 men will finally discover that the reason women go to the bathroom in pairs... is to make out.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

No charm, no humor, no wit -- and a personality which can only be described as 'icky.' .

For the first time ever, a black Republican woman has been elected to Congress. President Obama told her, 'You are all set. This country never turns against a black anything.'

In the Year 2000 due to the declining number of champions in the world, Wheaties will change its slogan to 'Breakfast of Sexual Deviants.

Today, Angelina Jolie met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. Long story short: She adopted him.

Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me.

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.