134 Quotes by Craig Johnson

Interesting office management skills, kind of a 'violence is not the answer so I'm going to beat the shit out of you philosophy.

Small chains wound their way through the trigger guards with little bronze locks at the end of each row. It was like a chain gang for weapons. Some of them might be good, some of them might be bad, but there was no way to tell until somebody picked them up.

The older I get, the more I think I look like a Muppet. Cady vehemently disagrees with this assessment, but she’s fighting her own battle with this particular gene puddle.

It was a two-gallon Styrofoam cooler - one of the cheap ones that you can pick up at any service station in the summer season and then listen to it squeak to the point of homicidal dementia.

I had warned her that lawyers shouldn't marry other lawyers, that it only led to imbecile paralegals.

He mulled that over. "Sheriff Connally woulda let us shoot 'em."I reached over and took his coffee away from him. "Yep. Lucian probably would have done the job himself, but we're living in more enlightened times." I drained his cup and handed it back with a smile. "Ain't it grand?

I'd say the depths of his stupidity have yet to be plumbed, and yours is comin' up fast on the inside turn.

I've seen men ruined by drink, drugs and dodge pickup trucks, but this is the first time I've seen someone ruined by softcore porn...

Between the thermals, downdrafts, and quirky winds, I wasn’t sure how anybody kept the things aloft except with a liberal application of positive thought.