221 Quotes by Dana Gould

  • Author Dana Gould
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    My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they’re stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.

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  • Author Dana Gould
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    My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I’m just a guy and instead of making meth I don’t do much.

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  • Author Dana Gould
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    As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That’s all I want to see.

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  • Author Dana Gould
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    When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he’s on the toilet.

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  • Author Dana Gould
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    Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

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  • Author Dana Gould
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    We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn’t have to stop there.

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  • Author Dana Gould
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    I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That’s me, always the bridesmaid...

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  • Author Dana Gould
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    What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

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  • Author Dana Gould
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    Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

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