221 Quotes by Dana Gould

My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they’re stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I’m just a guy and instead of making meth I don’t do much.

As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That’s all I want to see.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he’s on the toilet.

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn’t have to stop there.

I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That’s me, always the bridesmaid...

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.