221 Quotes by Dana Gould

If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking.

Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I’d paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I’ll have told you a long time ago.

I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn’t afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.