221 Quotes by Dana Gould

Here’s something you never hear: Now that I’ve worked through all my emotional issues, I’m free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point’s wife and think, that poor woman.

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

A big blizzard proves there’s no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there’s no such thing as cows.

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who’s out jogging and who’s running away from a mugger.

A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it’s income from a giant mouse.

Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.

I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it’s in the middle of another dog’s speech.

As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea...