221 Quotes by Dana Gould

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children’s beauty pageant.

My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.

Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.

Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.

Dogs – putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent’s poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren’t you a scary health care reform bill!