221 Quotes by Dana Gould

No one has ever thought this: Now that I’m out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.

It’s gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!

You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.

If you’re selling something on Craiglist, it’s never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.

Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.

My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?

A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I’ve gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.