221 Quotes by Dana Gould

Why do I always meet women as I’m leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it’s always on the day I forgot my dog...

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.

The average permanent lasts about four months.

I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.

Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?

In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let’s not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.

A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.