221 Quotes by Dana Gould

It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you’re looking for a knife.

For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.

Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!

Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there’s anxiety.

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that’s how I look reflected in the pond!