221 Quotes by Dana Gould

I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.

I don’t really like myself, but I’m way into me, physically.

How come, when people wear half shirts, it’s always the top half?

Let’s all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we’ll all say we were kidding.

Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they’re being followed.

Every time I fold the baby’s clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

Death’s vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you’ve never been to the Spearmint Rhino.