221 Quotes by Dana Gould

A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I’m just being petty and cruel.

I don’t mind being alone when I’m surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I’m alone.

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It’s like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

I’m the Forrest Gump of comedy.

Do you know what Irish Alzheimer’s is? It’s when you forget everything but your grudges.

I don’t like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he’s probably killed three or four children.

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it’s getting more and more difficult to tell who’s schizophrenic and who’s on a conference call.

The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole.

I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.