221 Quotes by Dana Gould

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It’s just so cold up there with my pants down.

Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.

Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie?

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I’m going to die hoping to meet someone.

I don’t want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.

Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.

Having kids means there’s always someone around to blame your fart on.

There’s a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly.

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn’t say bad.