221 Quotes by Dana Gould

What men say: I’m sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I’d love a Chipwich. I should go get one.

When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they’re going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.

There’s nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you’re having a nightmare.

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.

I’ve never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.

Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.