350 Quotes by Dane Cook

I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh.

I'm sure that people who have been tweeting funny things have ended up on writing staffs of a late night show.

We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

I once overheard the sweetest old woman behind me on a train tell her adorable old husband as he scoffed down a ham sandwich she had brought along, "If you ever yell at me to "stop bringing a ham sandwich with me every where we go" again? Next time I'm bringing a gun. And I'm blowing your God damn head off."

Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit. You don't feel a thing when you know you can still win.

I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.

Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."