299 Quotes by Daniel Tosh

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

Sometimes I cross my own line...it's how I know I still have one.

The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.

It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been good to me.

Describe your perfect man who looks like me...

I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.

Don't you love it when people in school are like, “I'm a bad test taker”? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here[points to head], but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.

I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower.