299 Quotes by Daniel Tosh

Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.

Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.

Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party.

I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze?

When you're in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It's like diarrhea for your heart.

If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die... not sorry.

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.

I don't know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I'm not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.