299 Quotes by Daniel Tosh

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all

Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.

I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual.

Wouldn't it be funny if that girl got raped by like, 5 guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of guys just raped her…

I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.

My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school.

If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.

Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.

I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!