299 Quotes by Daniel Tosh

I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.

Comedy Central wanted to do a show with me, I had a couple failures under my belt with them already, but they still wanted to try something else. They came to me and said they wanted to do something that was internet focused and created original content on their site, so they could compete with the funny or dies and what not. So that was the premise, and they gave us a small amount of money, $5000, and from there it turned into the show.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I worked in Toronto for two days. And by work I mean sit in a trailer for 15 hours, say two lines, and leave.

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

Until I see proof of this reincarnation or cloning, I'm gonna live up this life. That was kinda the path I took. But I fulfilled my obligations.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.